Fruit, Exercise, Treadmill

This evening my 4yo brought me something.  She had it hidden behind her back.

 "Guess what I have" she said.

 "Uh, a picture?" I replied

"Nope, guess again"

"Okay, letters?" My second guess.

"YES!" she said with excitement and pulled out this piece of paper and handed it to me:

"It says, 'fruit, exercise, treadmill!  Fruit, exercise, treadmill!  You need to keep exercising like walking and running so you can get smaller like Camille (my twig skinny 12yo)."

 My 4yo is one of my biggest cheerleaders!  She comes up to me all the time and grabs my wrists and says "You don't need to lose weight here anymore" and then grabs my upper arms and says, "But you still need to work on here."
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My two older boys had a basketball tournament today.  One had to be there at 8a.m.  UGH, on a Saturday?!!! 

Sadly I'm down to one pair of jeans that fit me in my current size (24).  I do have two pairs of ugly workout pants (only to be worn at home) and one pair I wear to the gym (but NOT appropriate looking for public).  Then I have a pair of nice sweats that are two sizes too big (yes, I'm still wearing them)

So last night I stripped off my jeans and threw them in the wash with items my boys needed.  When the alarm went off this morning dh headed downstairs and moved the laundry over. Running a tad behind I went to the dryer 5 minutes before we had to leave to grab my jeans.  I couldn't feel them.  Then I started taking one thing out at a time.  Nope, still NO jeans!  UGH!  I looked in the wash and there they were, all alone, dripping wet.

What am I going to wear?!  Not my too large sweats I didn't wash them! I went to my drawer and grabbed the next size down, 22.  I pulled them on, zipped them up and then the test...will my kids let me leave the house wearing them.

I headed downstairs and asked the question: "Do these look okay or are they WAAAAY too tight?"  They all said the jeans were fine. WooHoo!  I had tried these jeans on about 10 days ago but today I'm about 5lbs heavier. I thought there was NO WAY they were going to fit.

Size 22! Feels so great! I probably won't wear them again until I lose the 5 I gained. But it's such a great feeling knowing a true size 22 is only a week or two away!  They weren't as comfortable to wear all day as I would like.

***For those interested in the basketball tournament outcome:
Each boys' team won one and lost one. Both of their losses were in OT, one by one point and the other by two.

Fat and Fatter!

Yesterday I was still in my funk,  although I was working on coming out of it.  Eating healthy was NOT on the agenda.  Since that was the case I had dh pick up hot cocoa and donuts at the store when he went to get fried chicken, jojo's, rolls and potato salad for dinner.

I have to admit, the yummy greasiness of the crispy chicken skin was DELICIOUS!  Bad, I know, but oh so good!

My two youngest had been tucked in bed and the next four were all out busy with friends and activities.  When my dh went to pick up one of the kiddos I decided to sit down with a mug of hot cocoa and a donut and watch something on TV.  As I flipped through the guide the words...Fat and Fatter caught my eye.

I didn't turn it on from the beginning so I'm not completely sure what the set up was but this is what I gathered:

There were two 20-something girls from the UK who came to Mississippi to live with some morbidly obese sisters whom, I think, all had diabetes..  During their week stay they watched their lives.  Saw the $6 all-you-can-eat buffet they regularly visited and the plates and plates of food they ate.  These sisters had diabetes. All the women on the show looked similar so I'm not sure if everyone they visited were  one of the sisters or not but...

One of the UK girls massaged a lady's feet.  Since she has diabetes her feet go numb and she needs to get circulation going.

They visited another lady at a clinic where she goes 3 days a week for four hours a time to have her blood cleansed.

The sisters took them to a cemetery where several of their loved ones were buried all dying from complications of diabetes.  One of which had nasty gangrene in her leg.  The sisters admitted that seeing their aunt in the coffin made them want to change their lives but after a little time passed they forgot all about and continued with their unhealthy lifestyle.

Struggling with their own weight (they both probably had around 100lbs to lose) this adventure had an impact on the two UK girls.  The last minute of the show caught up with them about two months after returning home.  One girl, they said, did not test positive for diabetes and had not lost any weight.  Although the girl, herself, thought she'd lost a tiny bit.  When they mentioned she hadn't tested positive for diabetes it made me wonder if she thought, "Oh, all I saw does not pertain to me since I'm not diabetic"

The second girl picked up running as soon as she got home.  They said she'd lost 16lbs in those first two months home.

As I watched this show it impacted me!  Me, who was in a funk and eating JUNK.  As I watched it I was NOT able to finish my donut, it physically made me ill.  I only consumed 1/3 of it.  This is a HUGE change for me.  In years past the old me would sit and watch The Biggest Loser every Tuesday with junk food!

What's scary is that my dh has diabetes.  He's not doing anything to change it.  His doctor has lectured him, I have pleaded, several of our kids have cried and begged him to eat healthier.  I'm not sure why he hasn't wanted to get healthier.  On Monday, as we drove to Taco Bell, I was opening up the mail.  I mistakenly opened what I thought was a bill but it was results from my husband's latest doctor's appt.  All his diabetes numbers were out of whack along with his fats and cholesterol.  What will be his turning point?  How low does he have to go before he decides to make the change?  Hopefully not as far as I saw on the show Fat and Fatter.

As for me, that show helped snap me out of my funk.  A reminder of why THIS time is going to be the time I DO get healthy.  I even called to schedule an appointment with my doctor.  Haven't been in almost 3 years.

Faking It Until I MAKE IT!

UGH, I hate feeling the way I'm feeling!  In the past decade I can point exactly to what threw me off track of my healthy journeys.  There are  two things.  1. A vacation    OR    2. A non-structured time for my kids (summer break)

This time around it's been both!  Our whirlwind trip to Boise AND then boom, Spring Break!  The two combined has thrown be in a downward spin out of control.

I've acknowledged this struggle and have received a lot of support to get over it.

Mentally I have no desire to break the downward spiral but in my soul I want it, want it badly! I decided I need to fake it until my mind,soul and body are inline with the same desire.

Today was baby steps, somewhat.  I woke up at 6:30 and did an hour on the treadmill.  6:30 isn't super early for me.  Typically to get my workouts in before my day begins I have to wake up at 4:30.  With my kids' crazy spring break schedule that is NOT happening.  The next thing I focused on was water.  When I'm not trying to be healthy I can go days, even weeks without even one oz of water.  I didn't get my normal 9 or 10 cups in but I did get 5.  That's 5 more since Sunday.

My eating has been completely off.  I told myself I wasn't going to stress about it.  Today was just workout and water. Tomorrow I'll focus on workout, water and getting 5 fruits and veggies in!

First Time in a Swimsuit This Year

It's a good thing I committed to my kids and my daycare mom that I was taking the kids to the pool today or else I WOULDN'T have done it!!!

I dug out my swimsuit, shaved off the winter growth from my legs and DID IT!

We had a great time!

The pool has various depths and activities. I kept the three youngest (4,3,1) in the one foot area with slides, dumping buckets and other fun things. I got my workout in! The one year old didn't want to walk in the water so I ended up carrying him most of the time for the first hour. His sister, the 3yo, was all OVER the place! I felt like I spent most of my time chasing her down.

Normally when I go to a pool I can hurry from the changing room and get into the pool where I can hide my largeness and fat. Well at this pool it was all out for everyone to see. Standing in one foot of water doesn't hide much. But I didn't allow myself to dwell on it. I told myself I was there to have fun and I deserved to be there and have fun as much as the skinny bikini clad moms did.

I'm hoping that taking that step will help me come out of my funk. I can feel the desire to make a full comeback cracking open. I think it's still something I'll have to force open with my actions. I think right now the action will have to come before the desire!

Out of Control

Don't really know what to call this post. But I know I need to post something. I want my blogs to be an accurate accounting of my journey. Right now I'm completely off track!

Did so well on my drive to Boise! Ate healthy the whole drive. Got in around 8pm and still stayed focused. Got up early and walked the neighborhood. For some reason I felt like I was going to faint. Almost called my sister-in-law to let her know which direction I went in case I didn't come home. Made it back to their house without fainting and had a yummy oatmeal with peaches.

We hurried off to the first of 3 bball games that day. I was still feeling shaky and light headed. Still not sure why. I ate almonds, then had a greek yogurt, and drank lots of water! Still feeling shaky I found some left over movie candy in my purse. Ate it. After the second game we headed back to my brother's for some YUMMY pulled pork. He worked on it for over 16 hours. I had pulled pork and veggies! Then left of the third game of the day.

When we got home everyone bought pizza and Krispy Kreme donuts. I caved. I had 1 donut and three slices of pizza.

The next day my girls and I loaded up and headed home (there were still two more games but I can't drive for hours if I get started in the evening and have to drive in the dark. My intentions were to eat healthy on the drive but this time around I didn't. I felt anxious, bored and know that my eating was due to those emotions.

Monday morning I had all my kids home for Spring break and daycare kids here. I didn't wake up early since I was exhausted from the drive home. I never did get any workouts in yesterday and ATE all the wrong stuff. Today, I've done the same. I feel like I really could care less but that's not accurate. I do care. I don't want to slip completely off like I have so many other times. But for some reason I stuffing food in until I feel almost sick. Candy, chicken nuggets, snickerdoodle cookies, lots of Milk, pancake and eggs....and some strawberries and grapes.

I'm feeling emotionally and mentally drained! I need to snap out of it! Maybe my trip, right before spring break, was TOO MUCH of a whirlwind trip, throwing me TOO off balance. It's only day two of spring break and I want to pull my hair out, climb into a hole and come out when it's all over!

It's 6:20. Haven't made dinner yet but I have several kids asking "What's for dinner?" ARGH, I don't know!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I promised the kids I'd take them to a fun indoor pool place. Taking a 13, 12, 8, 4, 3 and 1 year old is going to take work. I want to let my 13 and 12 yo be in charge of the little kids so I don't have to put a bathing suit on. SIGH, I know that won't really work or be fair.

My weekly weigh-in is tomorrow. I know there will be a HUGE gain. I've got to brush it off and start everything fresh tomorrow. I know with the crazy spring break schedule I won't be able to wake up at my normal early workout time. I'll have to find little 15 minute segments.


P.S. My son's team WON the bball tournament. One player on the team fell hard onto the court, when he picked his head up he was covered in blood. Split his forhead open and got a concussion. Didn't play the third game but, surprisingly, he did play the last two games the next day. His dream college is Boise State University. The coach happened to be at the tournament and this kid played phenomenal even injured and dazed! How fun for him!

Are You Ready For HUNGER GAMES?!!!

I'm talking the movie, not some new fad weight loss diet!

The movie opens at midnight tonight! My daughter bought us tickets. (She hads ulterior motives because she knew she couldn't go at midnight without me, UGH!)

It's 2:30 our time and she is already in line with her crazy friends and a few even CRAZIER moms! I'll be showing up too but I have to wait until daycare leaves at 5:30 AND after I get my family packed for a last minute trip. We're leaving at 10am tomorrow (Uh, after I get home at 3 from the movie). My family is too large to take one car so we'll be taking two! I'll have to drive the whole 8hours. My kiddos better keep me awake!

We've been planning this movie for a long time. I've also been planning my food to eat at it too! I am planning on eating JUNK! I'm going to have popcorn, m&m's and Starburst Jelly Beans (I can only find them at Easter time). I've already portioned out serving sizes and put them in snack size bags. I'll be putting it all in the food tracker. Today I've been counting my calories and will allow myself to go up to the high end of my calorie allotment.

Side note: I have a size 22 pair of jeans in my bathroom (tried them a few weeks ago and left them there). I decided to give it a try. I pulled them up! AND....they zipped up too! A bit tight to be appropriate but give me 5 more lbs and I'll be officially down to a 22! WooHoo!!! (Started in January at a size 26)

A BIRTHDAY Letter To Me

Dear Krista
Happy 45th Birthday!


What a wonderful surprise to wake up to this:

Who would have thought the first FULL day of Spring would have brought this kind of weather.

But one of the best surprises was a visit to the scale. I told the kids, as I went to weigh in, that I was hoping for a total gone of 40. The scale showed 276.6 so the total gone since January 3rd is...
.4

Krista, 2012 has been a great year for you and your 45th year is going to be awesome too!!! WHY? Because you are making it so.

You still have huge financial struggles, you still have a crazy life with a large family, you still have two kids with ADHD that make things harder, you still are obese, you still have troubles with disorganization, you still have a shyness that makes social situations (and new things) hard and painful, you still have physical attributes that you HATE (the large feet, large thighs, bad vericose veins).

These things, and more, have kept you, in the past, from truly finding happiness and joy. Oh, you are a happy person but you found the happiness from other people and events. Weddings, births of children, watching children succeed, vacations, etc... You've never truly allowed yourself to find JOY because of you!

I can see and feel it changing.
In the past you'd fulfill your daily responsibilities for others first and if there was time (or energy) left over then you'd do something for yourself.
In the past you would use the excuse of little kids,daycare kids and being too busy get in the way of getting out of your own four walls and truly experiencing life.
In the past you've set so many weight loss goals. By the time I'm 18. By the time I'm 21. Before I get married. After the birth of my first baby. By the time I'm 30,35, 40 and even 45. Those goals have never been obtained!

Here you are at 45. Are you at the goal you set last year? NO! But you know what you're healthier physically and mentally now! You're making the changes! You've found your self worth. You're realizing that you truly have nothing to give to others unless you give to yourself first.

I'm liking you! You're becoming the person I knew was deep inside wanting out. I enjoy being able to smile when I see you in the mirror AND at times I even seek out those mirrors just so I can.

You're living life more! You're seeking out social situations instead of avoiding them. You've signed up for a 5k, a Sprint Tri and contemplating half marathon too.

As of today you are only 106.6lbs away from goal. You've lost a total of 48.4 from your high of 325. Of course, with today being your birthday, reflection is taking place and setting goals for the future. I know you can set the goal of being at goal weight by next year's 46th birthday.

Will you see 170lbs on the scale on March 21st, 2013? Maybe, I hope so. But if not I know you'll be close. But more importantly than the number on the scale you'll be stronger and healthier, both physically and mentally. You'll have had more adventure in your own life instead of living through your kids. You will have found the ability to truly be happy because of WHO you ARE and who you are still striving in becoming.

Have a GREAT snowy birthday! Have a FANTASTIC year! I can't wait to catch up with you in a year to see ALL the amazing successes you'll have achieved!