I Want to Crawl into a Hole!

I really do!!!! But hiding from the facts is what got me to where I am.

After being down with my blood clot for two weeks I've been anxious to get moving again. I was starting to feel better and knew I could get up and start with some walking. Things were looking up and then a couple of bombs fell.

Bomb #1: On Thursday night my husband received a phone call from his doctor with results from blood work. DIABETES! His fasting count was 233. YIKES!!! He's devestated, kids cried, and the realization that changes for the whole family is needed was brought closer to home.

We went in yesterday to see his doctor so he can get started on some medicine. While we were there I actually found a magazine article about diabetes and it had a great statement that went something like this: Genetics has loaded the cannonball and lifestyle is the fuse.

It's so true! My husband has diabetes in his genetics, his mom and grandmother have it (although they were almost 20 years older than him when it first showed up). My husbands lifestyle (being obese) is what lite the fuse, made the diabetes fire off much earlier than needed. It makes me realize that my children have the cannonball loaded as well and it's my job to teach them how to avoid lighting the fuse.

Bomb #2: I had my long awaited physical yesterday. I've been very happy with my doctor because he is pro-active. He asked me how many things I've tried to lose weight. I laughed and told him you name it I've done it. (Earlier he asked; do you smoke, drink caffeine, alcohol, drugs, etc. When all of my answers were no. He said, wow, you don't have any bad habits. No, just FOOD) After all the poking and proding was done he sat me down and said he was very concerned with my weight and my blood pressure. My blood pressure is normally around 112/68 but consistently for the last two months my bottom number has been in the 80's, NOT GOOD! All of a sudden I started hearing things like stomach stapling, gastric bypass and I felt my heart drop and my appointment took a serious turn.

Doc said, I'm not a proponent for these UNLESS everything else more conventional has been tried and hasn't worked. He said that if I stay morbidly obese that it will do more damage to my body bringing on things that can put my life at risk. As we were finishing the appointment he said, I'll give you three months to see what you can do about getting your weight out of the seriously obese range and into just obese.

I told my sister that having my husband diagnosed with diabetes and my doctor mentioning gastric bypass surgery is a definite wake up call. Not a wake up call, she said, you've been hit on the head with a big bat.

My doctor gave me the goal of 288 by my next appointment, May 29th. I didn't weigh in this week but it's probably a 25lbs goal. If I stay focused and have no more health set backs it's doable.

I'm scared! I'm nervous! I'm mad at myself! I'm disgusted! I know that I can get weight off, I always have, BUT (and this is a HUGE BUT) I have NEVER reached my goal and I have NEVER kept my weight off. I've always put it all back on plus five or so pounds.

These two bombs are adding A LOT of stress in an already very stressed household. How do I handle stress? I EAT!!! I want to be able to crawl away somewhere, ignore the diagnosis my husband and I received, and keep enjoying my wonderful stress-relieving food. But the only place that will get us both is an EARLY GRAVE!

I can do this, we can do this. It's going to take some deep breathing, new recipes, a rescheduling of daily routine to fit in exercise, patience, hard work and even some tears. I can feel the seriousness of this gripping tightly around me in fear and fright. This time has to count, I have to lose, I have to keep it off. I have to do it not just to have a better life but to have A LIFE!